I hear a noise in the kitchen.
“Mister, what are you doing?” I call.
He walks into the living room with an upside down box of “yummy o’s.”
“Use the vacuum,” he says. “Clean up the crumbs.”
“Not again,” I say. “You can just ask to use the vacuum. You don’t have to make an extra mess.” I prop the cereal box back on the folding table still up from Mister’s first birthday. Then I set Mister up with the vacuum and add “FIND KITCHEN PANTRY” to my to-do list.
As soon as Mister goes down for his nap, I start looking. I search for “pantry” on craigslist. I find 38 listings and click on the first one. “Vintage pantry.” Vintage, it turns out, is a euphemistic sales term for “old and not necessarily in the best of shape but someone might think it is cool.” I click through the other adds. They are more of the same:
Multi-purpose = probably best for the garage
Solid wood = needs to be refinished
Extra large = impossible to haul
Easy to clean = dirty
Used = shows visible signs of wear and tear
Cute = too small to be functional
The search leaves me feeling like an investment in the value of my home (a phrase used by cabinet salesmen trying to get me to buy a new kitchen, as I later learned) might be the only way to go.
If you wrote an ad for yourself, what euphemisms would you use? What about if you wrote about yourself as a writer?